9 Things Not to Say to Kids (And, What to Say Instead)

As a new school year approaches, it’s natural to think about what might be good to keep doing, as well as how to adjust various elements of our instructional practice that are not working as well as we’d like. One thing to consider is that along with how we teach, what we say bears a lot of importance to kids. With the best intentions in the world, some of our language or phrasing can wind up backfiring. Building awareness of some of the key phrases to avoid makes it less likely that we will make accidental missteps and will also help us to think about what to say instead. 

Don’t worry. It’s easy!

It might be seen as encouraging to tell kids that a task won’t be overly taxing, but that’s also making an enormous assumption that what can be considered challenging is the same from one person to another. When we tell kids something is “easy” and they struggle, their conclusion is often that they aren’t as smart as everyone else. Instead of trying to cheer kids on with the above phrase, try a statement along the lines of, “I believe that you can do this. Let me know how I can help.”

Perfect job!

One continuous message we should be sharing is that progress is more important than perfection. If we praise students for perfection, they may feel added pressure to hit that standard each time they share their work. To keep the intention behind this sentiment but make the messaging more effective, consider providing more specific praise about what exactly made the student’s work admirable. That way, they will focus on the aspects of their performance that are tied to course outcomes, and it stops being about whether they are seen as “perfect.”

You’re so smart.

As those of us who are familiar with growth mindset language know, calling a kid “smart” implies that intelligence is a fixed state of being. In reality, we can become smarter over time about all kinds of things, from the knowledge we build in each subject area in school to the skills we build with more experiential learning opportunities. Rather than praise anyone for being smart, sticking with targeted feedback is the way to go. For example, if a student gets top marks on a test, explain why that happened with a phrase like, “You can be proud of your hard work.”

You’re not working up to your full potential.    

While a lot of kids know that this phrase means they aren’t doing enough, they also struggle to know what it means to reach whatever their “full potential” might be. This phrase is vague and not at all helpful to any student who is looking to improve performance. More empowering alternatives include showing students exactly how they can achieve growth by focusing them on areas that have been a clear struggle, and by helping them to set and achieve academic goals one by one. Ultimately, kids need adults to provide this kind of clarity rather than chastise them about what they’re not doing.

Nobody else is behaving like you.    

In a classroom full of kids who are behaving well and oriented on the task at hand, it gets very frustrating when some students choose not to conduct themselves appropriately. However, kids who are acting out are usually aware of their behavior, which tends to be attention-seeking in a negative way. If our response to their tactics is to point out how they do not belong with the students around them, the result can be an increase in feelings of isolation or inadequacy. Instead, finding ways to provide positive attention works better than chastisement. For example, one tried-and-true strategy for students who provide distraction is to give them a responsibility each day in the classroom, like handing out journals or collecting attendance. As they complete these “helper” tasks, our praise will affirm their need for attention in a productive way.

Your brother/sister wasn’t like this.    

Siblings are often different from one another, which should be considered natural. Unfortunately, teachers with good intentions might observe out loud that a child is different from a sibling. Even if this statement is meant to be factual or even positive, it is not appropriate to create comparisons of any kind among members of the same family because it can create unnecessary discomfort. The truth is, we don’t know much about our students outside of the classroom setting, and their home lives can be more complicated than anyone might ever suppose. Therefore, it is wise to refrain from any commentary about how one kid compares to another in the same family, just because we don’t know what feelings that might dredge up, as well as how it could have a potentially detrimental impact on the teacher-student relationship. 

Good luck!    

If one of our goals is to be explicit about how the role of growth mindset behavior leads to achievement, then we must consistently emphasize that performance is tied to effort and hard work, not chance. Sometimes, it can be almost automatic to wish students luck when they embark upon something that might be considered higher stakes, such as an assessment or a presentation. If kids get the impression that their success is based on luck, they might not be as motivated to do their best because any task could seem like a rigged game. Instead, we can attribute student success to the correct factors with encouragement like, “I know you’re ready for this presentation because of how much you’ve practiced.”

I was never very good at [fill in the blank].    

No matter how old we get, everyone feels as though there are certain things we will never be good at doing. Being vulnerable in front of students has some value, especially when we admit we do not know something (but that we can find the answer). However, when we speak in deficit mindset language that doesn’t indicate our belief in possible growth, that gives kids the wrong ideas about what they can accomplish as they move through life. Instead of saying that we have “never” been good at something, it is preferable to say that we are working to get better at it. That way, we indicate our vulnerability while still emphasizing the belief that everyone can learn.

Don’t worry, class is almost over!

 At the end of a class period or the school day, everyone might feel tired, the teacher included. When we see stamina flagging, it’s tempting to point out how close we are to the final minutes of class. However, providing that cue is problematic for two reasons. The first is that students may lose even more focus as they preemptively pack up their things or disengage from learning, having perceived that the teacher is recognizing the impending close of class. Furthermore, the last minutes of class are precious in that they provide an opportunity to summarize and grab a little quick information about how students captured their learning that day. Therefore, pacing class in such a way that the last 10 minutes or so shifts the gears and yet maintains attention to learning goals is far better than calling attention to the time.    

In the moment, saying just the right thing can be a challenge. Even when we know what not to say, phrases still slip out of our mouths because of habits created over many years, or simply because we are forgetful. However, with some minor tweaks to our language, it is always possible to make strides toward positive change by focusing consciously working to alter any less productive practice.

Written by Miriam Plotinsky, Education World Contributing Writer
Miriam Plotinsky is an instructional specialist with Montgomery County Public Schools in Maryland, where she has taught and led for more than 20 years. She is the author of several education books with W.W. Norton and ASCD. She is also a National Board-Certified Teacher with additional certification in administration and supervision. She can be reached at www.miriamplotinsky.com or via Twitter: @MirPloMCPS

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