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He never left your side at the playground. He was the last to “separate”
when nursery school began. And he still comes straight home from
school most days instead of seeking friends to play with. A shy
child can make any mom or dad anxious. But shyness is most often
a personality trait, not a disorder, and almost all kids go through
periods of shyness.
Many kids experience more intense shyness at the beginning of the
school year.
With these tips, you can help your child get more comfortable at
school, at home – and with his or her friends
1. Don’t
speak for your child.
Your child may not be comfortable speaking for herself. That doesn’t
mean you should speak for her. It can be agonizing to watch a child
clam up when adults or other kids ask her questions. But it’s
better to let her struggle a little than to answer for her. When
you step in, you tell your child that it’s OK for them not
to speak to others, and that could make them dependent on you.
2. Don’t
label your child.
When your child hears you apologize for him, or call him shy, it
could make him more self-conscious. It could also lead others to
treat him differently, which could make him withdraw further. The
other risk in labeling a child shy is that he could use the label
as an excuse for avoiding new situations.
√ 3. Boost your child's confidence.
Many shy children resist taking chances or trying new things. You
can make them more confident and help them to feel better about
themselves in general by encouraging them, and praising the skills
and talents they’ve developed.
4. Don’t
push.
It’s hard to resist the urge to push a shy child into new
activities or social situations. But the more you push, the further
your child might retreat. A child may excel in her piano lessons.
That doesn’t mean she’s ready to put on a command performance
for grandma. If you give her the room, she’ll let you know
when she’s ready.
√ 5. OK, push a little.
On the other hand, if you never at least gently nudge your shy
child into new social situations, her development could be hindered.
Your child really does want to join in. It’s just not as easy
for her, and that’s why your support is so important. Even
if she hangs back, she’ll pick up cues by observing how other
children interact. But keep an eye out for signs of extreme discomfort
and step in if your child appears overwhelmed.
√ 6. Let the teacher help.
Work with teachers to ease the transition back to school and raise
your child’s comfort level. Maybe a teacher can subtly pair
your child up with a “buddy,” or recommend which kids
your child might like to play with outside of school. You can also
clue the teacher into your child’s favorite activities, so
he can be called upon to try to take a larger role at those times.
√ 7. Make school less scary.
When you drop your child off, make a point of letting her see you
have friendly conversations with the teacher and other administrators,
and explore the classroom with her to find the things she’ll
enjoy the most.
√ 8. Be prepared.
There are ways to make parties more comfortable for your child.
First, tell him in advance who he’ll see, and what will be
expected of him. Then, arrive early. It’s far easier for a
shy child to meet people as they arrive one at a time than to walk
into the middle of a full-blown party. If you’re the host,
give your child a job to do. Bringing a soft drink to everyone will
occupy him and get him involved.
√ 9. Make them the leaders.
Arrange for your child to play with some children a year or two
younger. She’ll be more likely to try on a leadership role
with younger kids, which will go a long way toward developing assertiveness
with kids her own age.
√ 10. Make sure it’s not about home.
Some children will develop shyness when there’s a major source
of stress at home, like their own or a parent’s illness, or
extreme tension between parents. In these cases, the shyness should
ease when the source of stress does. But whenever there’s
stress at home, be sensitive for signs of withdrawal in your child.
Note:
If a child is becomes extraordinarily agitated in social situations,
lashes out, or refuses to make eye contact, and more generally if
you feel you're making no progress with your child's social development,
there may be more serious concerns, and it may be wise to meet with
your pediatrician and/or school psychologist. In such cases, shyness
may be a sign of inner anger, fear, or distrust, and the child may
not be able to develop needed social skills adequately without professional
intervention.
FOR MORE TIPS
on handling shyness, view these articles online:
• www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T110223.asp
• www.parents.com/articles/age/6100.jsp
• www.babycenter.com
• www.scholastic.com/schoolage/experts/
behavior/6_8_sortshyness.htm
• www.parentcenter.babycenter.com/expert/
bigkid/gdevelopment/70999.html
• www.familyfun.go.com/parenting/child/health/
childhealth/dony89enc_shy/
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