Margaret Sagarese on Cliques

By Margaret Sagarese

When Margaret Sagarese began writing about middle-school kids nearly a decade ago, she addressed problems like drugs and sex as individual issues, but she doesn't anymore. "Now I understand that friendships and cliques are at the heart of all these problems," she says. "The decisions girls make are so often determined by friends or lack of them, by humiliation or acceptance." That's why her latest book, Cliques: 8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle (Broadway, 2001), focuses on belonging and exclusion.

Not the Cliques We Remember
"You and I might remember cliques as groups of friends, usually girls, who wouldn't let others join. But the cliques your daughter encounters probably aren't as benign as the ones you grew up with. School is a harsher place than it used to be. Ask your daughter which girls are regularly insulted or humiliated in her class at school. She can name names; she can tell you stories. Today's cliques often contain bullies--girls who hold power by being cruel to others.

"From the time they're toddlers, girls are discouraged from fighting physically and expressing their anger directly. So by middle school they learn to fight with betrayal, exclusion, rumors, and belittling. Your daughter's classroom may be a relatively gentle one, and her circle of friends may be kind. If so, that's wonderful. But we need to be aware that nearly every middle school contains cliques and bullies. No matter what role a girl plays--bully, victim, or bystander--she knows the hurt cliques cause."

Mapping the Cafeteria
"You and your daughter can gain perspective on her social setting by talking about her school cafeteria. By middle school, every girl knows which table is open to her--where she's welcome to sit and where she's not wanted. Ask your daughter to draw a diagram showing where different cliques and groups sit.

"As your daughter tells you about various groups, she'll be describing a caste system that follows a predictable pattern. Sociologists have found that that each middle-school child falls into one of four categories--the popular clique, the fringe, middle-friendship circles, or the loners. The popular clique is the cool group--beautiful, charming, affluent, and athletic. They make up about 35 percent of the school population. Fringe kids, about 10 percent of the population, hover around the popular clique trying to get in. The third category, middle-friendship circles, is the largest, with nearly 45 percent of the kids belonging here. Girls in this category form small groups of several friends apiece, and sometimes adopt a style like Goth or grunge. They know they aren't particularly popular. Some care, others don't. The final category is the loner. As many as 10 percent of the girls in your daughter's class sit by themselves in the cafeteria and walk the halls alone.

"Let your daughter show you the social order. Get a dialogue going about some of the personalities. Ask which girls control which cliques and what the criteria is for admission. Along the way, your daughter will tell you where she fits in. Try hard to just listen. Empathize when she groans about the injustice of the powers that be, and praise her ability to analyze what's going on, no matter where she stands on the social ladder. You may share some anger or tears as you do this, but if your daughter learns to recognize her school's categories, she will benefit from feeling socially aware and a little more in control. Furthermore, you can help her understand that sometimes the coolest kids have the most fears and insecurities."

"Something Wrong With Me"
"Inevitably, certain girls are singled out by cliques to become victims. This can happen overnight and for no apparent reason. In the context of school shootings, we've come to understand that any kid who is humiliated feels rage. Among boys, the rage tends to get stored up until it erupts in violence. A girl is more likely to turn her rage on herself and to become despondent or depressed. Researchers have found that girls who are shunned or bullied by other girls often develop a poor body image as a result. A scapegoated girl assumes she is the problem, that there must be something wrong with her.

"That was true for my daughter, Skyler, in 7th grade. That year she got serious about her studies and decided she had more in common with a more studious group. But when she tried to change, her old group got angry that she had left them. Not one of them would speak to her. She was teary and miserable for months. Now, at 17, she's able to say ‘That wasn't my fault,' but middle school left scars. It does for many girls.

"If your daughter is being shut out or bullied, the most important thing you can do is simply to be on her side. Let her know it's not her fault. You can also role-play situations with her, giving her verbal comebacks and talking about which reactions bullies feed on. Finally, help your daughter find an ally. Even one friend can be enough to ward off harm. Make allies of her teachers, too, and the guidance counselor and principal. Talk with them about what's going on, and ask them to intervene.

"If there's a time in life when friendship is distorted, that time is middle school. You and I have to step up to the plate and teach friendship skills. We have to understand what's going on and address it directly. That's the key to bringing our daughters and other girls through these years with their self-esteem intact."

Empowering Bystanders
Few girls are actually bullies or victims. Most of our daughters are bystanders--witnesses who don't approve of what's going on, but aren't sure what to do. Tell your daughter she has many options besides compliance or confrontation. Explore these alternatives:

Don't watch. Clique leaders want an audience. Walking away can make a strong statement.

Don't react. If she can't leave a situation, she can refuse to endorse it by laughing or agreeing.

Don't gossip. Passing on rumors, notes, or e-mails makes her party to the process. Encourage her to stop rumors and counter them with truth.

Create a distraction. Suggest that she change the subject, make a joke, or create another focus of attention when hurtful behavior is in progress.

Offer support. Simply standing beside a girl who has been targeted or shunned, or making a simple affirmation to the victim, such as "They should not have done that. It wasn't right" can help turn the tide.

Get adults involved. If things are bad for any victim, adults need to know and intervene.

© 2002 Dads and Daughters, From Daughters: For Parents of Girls,
Duluth, MN www.daughters.com. This and other articles on raising healthy girls are available online at www.newmoonstore.com.

05/03/2006