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Shaundalyn Elliott's Diary
The First 180 Days

Highs and Lows!

Week 35

The race is on! Fewer than ten days remain in this school year. Most of the teachers here are anxious for the vacation to come. I am too, although I'm also saddened by the thought of not seeing my students for more than two months. Reflecting on this year's "highs and lows" has turned out to be one of my most successful means of coping with the pain of the impending separation.

One of the most memorable events of this year was the first day of school. I don't think anyone who was there with me will ever forget it! I remember feeling overcome with fear and a sense of helplessness. The drive to school seemed much shorter than usual. In the car, I listened to back-to-back gospel CDs -- hoping to obtain some form of comfort from them. By the time I reached the campus, however, I was crying uncontrollably. I had never been so afraid of children in my life!

I finally managed to pull myself together and walked slowly to my classroom. There, I found a cheering section of my former teachers waiting for me. Their support made me feel better -- temporarily. Five minutes before the first bell rang, I fell apart again. This time, the teacher who had been my cooperating teacher during my internship was there to help. I will never forget what she said. "You are a teacher," she told me. "You will look the part every day. Hold your head high. Make your presence command respect." Her words inspired me and gave me the confidence I needed to do my job.

The lowest point of the past year actually occurred at the end of the first week of school. One of my students accused me of using a racial slur to address another student of my own race. I was appalled by the accusation. To add injury to insult, the student's parents were allowed to schedule a conference for the very same day -- a Friday. At my school, conferences are never scheduled for Fridays, for obvious reasons; however, one was scheduled on that day. I felt betrayed and thought my rights as a teacher had been violated. In fact, I could barely believe I was going to be interrogated about such an unbelievable accusation in the first place.

To make matters worse, this last-minute conference was not held in the school library, where most conferences take place. It was held in my classroom. I felt as though I were being insulted in my own home!

I attended the conference harboring all those feelings and more. I didn't even have time to face the fear of attending my first parent conference. When the parents walked in, sat down, and uttered the first few accusatory remarks, I was convinced that I would not be returning to teaching next year. I hated the thought that this conference would set a precedent for my entire career.

During the meeting with the parents, I proved my innocence and established that the accusing student had lied. The parents were embarrassed; I was fuming. I was angry that the accusations had given my principal reason to doubt me so early in my profession -- even though she always said she believed me.

The thought of seeing the child who had made the accusation was also difficult. Knowing I would have to teach him all year -- while struggling to avoid a difference in my attitude toward him -- was almost more than I could bear. Somehow, I did manage to deal with this student, of course, although we never had the close teacher-student relationship that I've had with some of my other students.

Overall, this year has proved to be full of surprises. At first, I disliked the children and loathed the very idea of being a teacher. Now, I love my students and often feel like their mom. This year has gone by so quickly that it didn't even feel like my first year. I can honestly say I will be back!

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Shaundalyn Elliot
Education World®
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