With Regina Barreca
Surefire Ways Your School Can Make Money
Is your school plagued by recent budget crunches, belt-tightening, and smaller pieces of funding pie? Are you looking enviously at the plates of your colleagues and competitors, wondering why their helpings are larger than yours? Are you hopping up and down on the fiscal scale in the constant hope that youll achieve that perfect number? Basically, is your educational institution on one great big scary Oprah-sized financial diet? And are you hungry for new ways to fatten up your coffers and get that nice comfy, full, even bloated feeling again?
If youre ready to forgo the endless tedium of magazine sales pitching, if youre fed up with unsavory bake sales, if you no longer want to sell raffle tickets to the indigent, the chronically unemployed, and the homeless (these being the only people left who no longer run from your approach, and thats only because their footwear is so poorly constructed), youve come to the right place.
Trust us: Your school can make big money! All you need to do is apply The Amoral Appalling Devious Unethical Method, otherwise known as TAADUM, and you'll be building new sporting facilities in no time!
Used successfully by millionaires and billionaires around the world (many of whom are famous although they have never filed income tax reports under their own names), the TAADUM money plan guarantees that the dollars will flow into your hands (even as your soul slips away, but didnt that also happen when you forced your struggling neighbors into buying dozens of sweepstake coupons, not to mention harassing innocent passers-by into purchasing Salmonella Sallys all-sugar cupcakes two at a time? Sure it did! Face it.)
When you purchase the introductory TAADUM kit (you didnt think you were getting it for free, did you?) youll receive tips on how to:
- Make state-of-the-art machinery self-sustaining! For example, you'll learn how to ensure that the central offices copier automatically makes duplicates of every document that crosses its path and stores the back-up file. Not only will faculty and staff pay for copies of what they misplace or throw away by accident ("Ooops! All my students' grades! Did I need those?") they will also shell out BIG BUCKS for those personal documents theyve photocopied unofficially once they learn these are kept on file! A large source of revenue for institutions of all sizes, the automatic copy funds are especially lucrative after holiday parties held in the building, or when certain members of staff are known to work in their offices on the weekends or after hours. Funds are also heavy around tax season and whenever someone is applying for a mortgage or getting a divorce (the latter often happening to those who do not pay for the back-ups of those earlier copies -- Ooops!).
- Make sure your top alums donate -- and donate big! Send letters to your most prominent grads and make sure to include JPG files of their less attractive photos and teacher comments; this is especially effective for those in the media spotlight! Yearbook photographs (especially those group shots taken sophomore and junior year), candids from the cafeteria (whos that with a mouth full of cornbread?!?) and report-card carbon-copies with comments such as Bright but not smart and Seems much happier and more well-adjusted since her nose job are worth something to those in line for seats on the Supreme Court or the front row of the Oscars!
- Make your Authority Figures into Autonomously Funded Figures! Educational institutions have dealt with bullies since classes were held in caves which are where they will be held again if you don't start fundraising! So why not put that bully smack-down experience to good use in the outside world? Hire out your disciplinarians to deal with bullies in those all-important non-school settings. A sliding scale is provided to offer a sense of how rank and experience can be used to set the appropriate fee for a bully smack-down; for example, to smack down the bully in a medium-sized publishing house:
--a young teacher from a suburban independent elementary school would charge $15;
-- if a vice principal from an inner-city public vo-tech high school would charge $250
-- if that vice principal from an inner-city public vo-tech high school has more than ten years experience in rank, then the charge would be $500
-- and, finally, if that vice principal from an inner-city public vo-tech high school has more than ten years experience in rank and IS A NUN, she could charge $2,500 (and it would be cheap at twice the price, given the permanent, all-inclusive, pervasive, and irrevocable humiliation of the bully).
- Make your permission slips into Penny-Providers! Hey, do we need to spell it out for you? Everybody wants a permission slip for something...Have them pre-printed and ready to go! Permission slips are not just for trips to the zoo anymore!
These and lots more immoral, antisocial, really bad idea ideas are available to you when you involve yourself with TAADUM!
Sure, you can always fundraise using traditional methods -- or, even more of a challenge, you can put your own time and energy into making your school a better place.
But that takes work, courage, a sense of community, a sense of camaraderie, and a sense of humor.
How exhausting! Arent you ready for TAADUM?
Article by Regina Barreca
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