Shaundalyn Elliott's Diary
The First 180 Days

Growing Up Together

Week 31

I looked at my students very closely this week as I monitored their behavior, secretly comparing it to the behavior they demonstrated during the first semester of the school year. Although some of my students seem to have made very few changes, others have shown tremendous improvement. Of course, my students are not the only ones who have undergone behavioral changes. I have undergone major personality changes as well!

I remember the first day of school as if it were yesterday. I recall the sick feeling I had that morning and the helplessness I felt when the first bell rang. In many ways, I could identify with the seventh graders I was about to teach. I was entering a new phase of life just as they were. My students were starting junior high, and I was ending college. They were entering adolescence, and I was entering adulthood. That first day separated the girl in me from the woman. I hope this year has separated the child in each of my students from the young adult.

As the year has progressed from that first frightening day, my feelings about my students and about my chosen profession have fluctuated wildly! In early September, I loathed the mere thought of being a teacher. I dreaded going to work, and I vowed never to allow a student within 10 feet of me! By the time we reached the Christmas break, however, I was hugging the students and crying at the thought of not seeing them for two weeks. As we returned from that break in January, I was feeling "Septemberish" again. I no longer felt as loving as I had before. I was burned out and living for the weekends. I just wanted out!

Just before the February break, once again I had reached the point at which I didn't want to leave my students. I would miss them! When we returned to school following that break, I was still excited about seeing my students. That short-lived fantasy died over the spring break, however. Returning to school on that Monday, I felt overwhelmed and eagerly anticipated summer vacation. Now, back to school for a week, I am hooked again!

I wonder if such dramatic emotional ups and downs are typical of a first-year teacher? Do all of us fall in and out of love with the job during the first year? If so, when does it stop? I would like to have consistent emotions about my profession, but my feelings keep changing. Every week, it seems, something happens to remind me of my love for my students and my respect for my job. Every week, something happens to kill those feelings. That cycle has continued throughout the year. Obviously, I have encountered more positive aspects of teaching than negative, though, because I have decided to return next year.

So the saga continues. I live and work each day as though it is my last day teaching, and I mentor my students right up until the last minute of our time together -- no matter what my mood might be. I know grown up right alongside my students. I guess it's true what they say; time really does bring change. It truly has for me.

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